Clean Coal Carolers!

Oh my my. My my my. Oh my.  If you want to see people wasting their lobby money on freaky crap, check out  these Clean Coal Carols.

Picture lumps of coal wearing scarves singing: “Frosty the coal man, is a jolly happy soul, he’s abundant here in America and he helps our economy roll…There most have been some magic in clean coal technology, for when they looked for pollutants there, there was nearly none to see”

They must have been looking with their eyes closed, but anyway, the best ones are like Silent Night, where they replace “Christ the Savior is Born” with “Plenty of coal  for years to come” and also, in O Come All Ye Faithful– “Oh come let us adore him[Jesus]” with “And we can count on clean coal.” Yeah, that’s not going to offend anyone. Also, for the record, in the house that the anthropomorphic lumps of coal are singing to, there’s a picture of a white family with 6 kids who have blonde hair. You know, typical America.

Well, just a word of warning, cause the next thing you know, they’ll have co-opted the Dreidl song!

I’ll fight back with these dirty coal carols, which come from I believe Blue Ridge Earth First! and the Mountain Justice movement, please correct me if I’ve cited them wrong.  Use them wisely.

We Wish You a Merry Christmas
We Wish You a Merry Christmas
We Wish You a Merry Christmas
We Wish You a Merry Christmas
And a happy new year
Glad Tidings we bring
to you and your kin
Glad Tidings for Christmas
and coal-free new year
We want a stable climate
We want a stable climate
We want a stable climate
and we want it right now
Glad Tidings we bring
to you and your kin
Glad Tidings for Christmas
and coal-free new year
We won’t go until you stop funding coal
We won’t go until you stop funding coal
We won’t go until you stop funding coal
And we’re staying right here
Glad Tidings we bring
to you and your kin
Glad Tidings for Christmas
and coal-free new year
We Wish You a Merry Christmas
We Wish You a Merry Christmas
We Wish You a Merry Christmas
And a happy new year
Glad Tidings we bring
to you and your kin
Glad Tidings for Christmas
and coal-free new year
Coal Christmas
I’m having nightmares of a coal Christmas
It’s never changed after all these years
Where the tree tops wither
and children quiver
to breathe dirty polluted air
I’m having nightmares of a coal Christmas
With every mountain top we lose
We will not give up the fight
And may all your Christmases be white
I’m having nightmares of a coal Christmas
With every bank check that you write
We will not give up the fight
And may all your Christmases be white
Twelve Days of Christmas
On the 1st day of Christmas my true love said to me:
There’s no such thing as clean coal
On the 2nd day of Christmas Bank of America gave to me:
2 blackened lungs
and theres no such thing as clean coal
On the 3rd day of Christmas Bank of America gave to me:
3 coal trucks
2 blackened lungs
and theres no such thing as clean coal
On the 4th day of Christmas Bank of America gave to me:
4 melting glaciers
3 coal trucks
2 blackened lungs
and theres no such thing as clean coal
On the 5th day of Christmas Bank of America gave to me:
5 coal silos
4 melting glaciers
3 coal trucks
2 blackened lungs
and theres no such thing as clean coal
On the 6th day of Christmas Bank of America gave to me:
6 paid off politicians
5 coal silos
4 melting glaciers
3 coal trucks
2 blackened lungs
and theres no such thing as clean coal
On the 7th day of Christmas Bank of America gave to me:
7 poisoned elementary schools
6 paid off politicians
5 coal silos
4 melting glaciers
3 coal trucks
2 blackened lungs
and theres no such thing as clean coal
On the 8th day of Christmas Bank of America gave to me:
8 sludge-filled rivers
7 poisoned elementary schools
6 paid off politicians
5 coal silos
4 melting glaciers
3 coal trucks
2 blackened lungs
and theres no such thing as clean coal
On the 9th day of Christmas Bank of America gave to me:
9 flattened mountains
8 sludge-filled rivers
7 poisoned elementary schools
6 paid off politicians
5 coal silos
4 melting glaciers
3 coal trucks
2 blackened lungs
and theres no such thing as clean coal
On the 10th day of Christmas Bank of America gave to me:
10 asthmatic children
9 flattened mountains
8 sludge-filled rivers
7 poisoned elementary schools
6 paid off politicians
5 coal silos
4 melting glaciers
3 coal trucks
2 blackened lungs
and theres no such thing as clean coal
On the 11th day of Christmas Bank of America gave to me:
11 unemployed workers
10 asthmatic children
9 flattened mountains
8 sludge-filled rivers
7 poisoned elementary schools
6 paid off politicians
5 coal silos
4 melting glaciers
3 coal trucks
2 blackened lungs
and theres no such thing as clean coal
On the 12th day of Christmas Bank of America gave to me:
12 destroyed communities
11 unemployed workers
10 asthmatic children
9 flattened mountains
8 sludge-filled rivers
7 poisoned elementary schools
6 paid off politicians
5 coal silos
4 melting glaciers
3 coal trucks
2 blackened lungs
and theres no such thing as clean coal

14 Responses to “Clean Coal Carolers!”


  1. 1 amy Dec 10th, 2008 at 2:53 pm

    I can honestly say i felt nausea upon watching that. Ughhhhhhhh…

  2. 2 JP Dec 10th, 2008 at 3:44 pm

    I can honestly say I laughed my ass off. Now that’s what I call a last ditch effort.

  3. 3 Kai Bosworth Dec 10th, 2008 at 4:01 pm

    ljklkdfdlkjkfsdlkdfsjd
    yikes

  4. 4 roan Dec 10th, 2008 at 4:19 pm

    shame on those ungrateful bastards.

  5. 5 smoggy Dec 10th, 2008 at 11:14 pm

    All I want for Christmas is my two black lungs…

  6. 6 sparki Dec 11th, 2008 at 2:23 am

    that’s some twisted shit…..

  7. 7 Danawv Dec 11th, 2008 at 11:34 am

    A new tune I believe from United Mountain Defense in Tennessee

    Burning Coal (to the tune of Jingle Bells)

    Burning through the coal, burn it all today,
    tearing up the mountains, blow them all away.
    TVA burns coal, making lightbulbs bright,
    What fun it is to light and heat all the homes tonight.

    O Mining coal, mining coal, mine it all away
    O What fun it is to drink coal pollution all day, hey.

    Burning coal, burning coal, coughing all the way,(cough,cough,cough)
    O What fun it is to breathe coal pollution all day.

    A day or two ago, I thought I’d take a ride
    See my favorite mountain, was blasted out inside.
    Trees were cut and gone, the mountaintop was bare,
    Holes were drilled, explosives packed, blown up without a care.

    Chorus

    A day or two ago, a story I must tell
    I went out to town, economy had fell,
    Coal stocks sliding by, getting weaker every day,
    Funders step aside as we quickly drive them away.

    Chorus

    Now the time is ripe, go it while you’re strong,
    Smash the grid tonight, and sing this smashing song,
    Just get a bike today, 21 gears as its speed,
    And when the coal runs out, you’ll pedal to the lead.

    Chorus

  8. 8 onenuss Dec 11th, 2008 at 1:00 pm

    Finally, “clean coal” is here! These jovial Christmas turds are the closest thing the industry has come to actually exhibiting “clean coal.”

    More here: http://www.chesapeakeclimate.org/blog/?p=561

  9. 9 Madeline Kovacs Dec 11th, 2008 at 11:19 pm

    O my sweet lord. I actually had a gag reflex.

  10. 10 Carol Overland Dec 12th, 2008 at 9:51 am

    I thought they were hilarious and my shep Krie was singing along, not a full out open howl as with a siren, but more a pained yelping and pinched yowling. She did NOT approve!

  11. 11 SandraLovesMountains Dec 12th, 2008 at 6:35 pm

    Dana,

    These are so awesome! I might have to steal these and do some caroling this holiday. I love radical cheerleading stuff like this.

  12. 12 Steve Lee Dec 25th, 2008 at 8:31 pm

    Thank you for the Clean Coal ho-ho-ho’s!

    We are writing about solar energy and Electric Cars and the Obama policy team has released the “Economic Recovery Policy” that has a renewable energy and Electric Car component, Click Link:
    Think Sunshine
    We think that the Obama plan will create opportunities for creating American jobs to replace those that have been been exported over the last two decades, Click Link:
    Think free Trade

  1. 1 Clean Coal Carolers Defeated By Environmentalists : Red, Green, and Blue Trackback on Dec 13th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
  2. 2 iLoveMountains.org » Blog Archive - End Mountaintop Removal Coal Mining -- ACCCE Finally Comes “Clean” Trackback on Aug 4th, 2009 at 8:55 am
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